It is difficult to be strong in life. Growing up it was my Mother that was the rolemodel for strength. Autocratic and dictatorial, she referred to herself as "the queen" and "mommie dearest" often (an odd acknowledgement of her abuses). I knew the word 'mandatory' from a very young age, it meant "you have no power/control here." I learned how to bend without submitting.
Since growing up other friends have recounted with me the fear of not knowing when she was going to burst into the room screaming with rage; a torrent of accusations and punishments- and certainly there was no predicting why or when she would become upset. I learned to watch and interpret human body language with a precision only matched by other abused people.
Traditional images of strong men were mocked in our household. Football players were dumb jocks, and the artistic and feminine was encouraged to a detriment. I was made fun of for liking and being good at football, and my decision to join the Marines was never really accepted or understood. I learned to make my decisions for myself.
I have a good job that I love, where I make more than enough money. When my mother found out I was hired, her reaction was not "congratulations," it was a scorn and the words "I've never made that much money." I am still learning to validate myself, and let my own praise be enough.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I look around and I see so many strong people indulging their weakness. America has learned to exalt its victims above others, and so the race to feebleness is in full effect. Acting with strength seems to be considered a threat. Threatening people make other people feel uncomfortable, and we place most of the blame on the perceived threat- instead of expecting strength to rise from a victim.
I don't know how it is anywhere else, but here in San Francisco- he with the best sob story wins the argument. It feels good to show compassion to an injured party. It feels good to side with the underdog, and know that the bully doesn't get to win today. It feels good to believe you are creating a safe place where even the weak can thrive... But is that really what's happening?
Which one holds you back more, the actions of others, or your own belief that you are a victim? Believing that you are weak gives you the space to develop your weakness, stops you from learning to fight back. So am I doing a disservice to my peers if I expect them to be strong, or am I giving them the friction they need to grow?
I am strong because of the strong dictatorial bully in my life pushing me around until I said, "no more." The pain and the damage that we are all seeking to avoid for eachother are precisely the things that grew some of my strongest traits. We need our pain. We need our bullies. We need to push and be pushed, in order to grow into what we are to become. Otherwise we just grow into weak, meaningless, safe, undamaged, uninteresting one dimensional people.
I am grateful for the abuses my Mother imposed on me. I'm grateful for having the strength to stop her from continuing. I am grateful for the strong man I am learning to become.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Monday, November 3, 2014
Sunday Funnies
I have been performing standup comedy once a week. I go down to Mutiny Radio every Sunday for their 2-4pm Sunday Funnies open mic. We drag the microphone and chairs out onto the street, and we perform right there on the sidewalk.
Comedy is therapy. There's a little more power in the therapeutic aspects with the added publicity of skipping the audience and yelling about your issues at whoever is passing by. Last week was particularly fun, and so I went back to revisit it. Here's the audio from my set. Come to the show, it's fun.
Comedy is therapy. There's a little more power in the therapeutic aspects with the added publicity of skipping the audience and yelling about your issues at whoever is passing by. Last week was particularly fun, and so I went back to revisit it. Here's the audio from my set. Come to the show, it's fun.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Open Season on White Men
Am I the only person getting sick of articles and movies directed at white people (usually in the title)? and a whole other subset of articles directed at attacking men?
The point of these articles is usually "white men are insensitive assholes, and they are racist, sexist, and oppressive" with a nice subtext of "hey white guy- none of your merits or positivity will outweigh our ability to be angry at you for something some other white guy did" ... in short- it seems pretty OK by society to sling shit blindly at white men.
I get it- white men are to blame for much of the horrible things in the world. I walk into a room, and I FEEL women and minorities recoil from me- intimidation? fear? or valid retreat from another oppressive white man?
I AM strong. I AM scary. I am capable of all those awful things... just as any man is capable of evil. However, isolating me and attacking me- recoiling from me, and treating me with fear- is unlikely to help change these white male behavior patterns being complained about.
A few months back, I put myself in the hospital overworking, and being unable to sleep. Before I was hospitalized, I reached out to friends and family, but was repeatedly denied sympathy or empathy. Friends told me to shut up- I had nothing to complain about. My mother ignored me, and continues to do so. 5-7 days without sleep my behavior was erratic, and my 'friend' drove me off and left me in the car on the side of the road- rather than give me sympathy. I hated myself, and I wanted to die, and the only thing I was asking was for a moment to be weak... to rely on the support of my community... to lay on the ground, and give up until I was ready to try again... but my community let me down. Healthy white men are not permitted to be victims in this society.
I was raised by a self proclaimed feminist. My mother was abused by men in her childhood, and her scars have become my scars. I was raised being taught that my masculinity and sexuality were bad things. My mother told people I was gay before age 6, and I was punished for acting masculine while encouraged to grow long hair, dance ballet, and act. I am still struggling with what it means to be a man, and the shots being taken at me- are not helping.
If we want everyone to be even, then we need to stop drawing lines, and passing judgement in all directions. Women and minorities- while your voices have been quieted through history- you still need to listen to be heard. I don't want another generation of angry insecure white men going around abusing people... but I don't think shaming the gender or race is an effective way to get that done. Quit blaming white men for the tragedies in your life. Every day is NOT white man day. We struggle too, and if you leave us out in the cold- with no community- there's no telling what kind of drastic things someone might do to feel safe and loved again... maybe like- band together with other white men, forging the exact clic of angry racist sexist white men we were all trying to avoid in the first place!
The point of these articles is usually "white men are insensitive assholes, and they are racist, sexist, and oppressive" with a nice subtext of "hey white guy- none of your merits or positivity will outweigh our ability to be angry at you for something some other white guy did" ... in short- it seems pretty OK by society to sling shit blindly at white men.
I get it- white men are to blame for much of the horrible things in the world. I walk into a room, and I FEEL women and minorities recoil from me- intimidation? fear? or valid retreat from another oppressive white man?
I AM strong. I AM scary. I am capable of all those awful things... just as any man is capable of evil. However, isolating me and attacking me- recoiling from me, and treating me with fear- is unlikely to help change these white male behavior patterns being complained about.
A few months back, I put myself in the hospital overworking, and being unable to sleep. Before I was hospitalized, I reached out to friends and family, but was repeatedly denied sympathy or empathy. Friends told me to shut up- I had nothing to complain about. My mother ignored me, and continues to do so. 5-7 days without sleep my behavior was erratic, and my 'friend' drove me off and left me in the car on the side of the road- rather than give me sympathy. I hated myself, and I wanted to die, and the only thing I was asking was for a moment to be weak... to rely on the support of my community... to lay on the ground, and give up until I was ready to try again... but my community let me down. Healthy white men are not permitted to be victims in this society.
I was raised by a self proclaimed feminist. My mother was abused by men in her childhood, and her scars have become my scars. I was raised being taught that my masculinity and sexuality were bad things. My mother told people I was gay before age 6, and I was punished for acting masculine while encouraged to grow long hair, dance ballet, and act. I am still struggling with what it means to be a man, and the shots being taken at me- are not helping.
If we want everyone to be even, then we need to stop drawing lines, and passing judgement in all directions. Women and minorities- while your voices have been quieted through history- you still need to listen to be heard. I don't want another generation of angry insecure white men going around abusing people... but I don't think shaming the gender or race is an effective way to get that done. Quit blaming white men for the tragedies in your life. Every day is NOT white man day. We struggle too, and if you leave us out in the cold- with no community- there's no telling what kind of drastic things someone might do to feel safe and loved again... maybe like- band together with other white men, forging the exact clic of angry racist sexist white men we were all trying to avoid in the first place!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
I Hate Feeling Weak
I just had to leave 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' because the scenes of community and family were giving me such severe panic attacks- I couldn't stay in the theatre.
I feel like a different man. Like the first 17 years of my life I was controlled and told who to be and what to do by my mother. I spent the next 13 trying to get her to love me, or kill myself in the process. Now that I have begun owning to these things- I'm free to be who I choose, and while that's empowering- it's also quite unnerving at times.
My mother decided that she was tremendously threatened by men. She decided that all heterosexual sex was a man attacking a woman. Her life became about defending that attack, and fighting her own heterosexuality- to the point where she is just beating up herself and everyone around her.
I grew up in this late 90's unbridled man-hate of my mothers. I grew up being taught to hate and shun my masculinity and heterosexuality.
I remember being very young, and being praised by my mother for acting like a girl. I remember consciously knowing that acting like a girl was better in our house. I put on a cover, wearing my hair long, acting, camouflaging myself in femininity to spare myself from my mother's wrath.
Later, I got my first video camera. I enjoyed getting my mother's full attention and praise for whatever video creation I had come up with- and so I set about making movies for fun... a lot of the time. While there were many successes, I recall one particular disaster quite vividly:
I took a Barbi and a Ken doll, and made a video of them having sex. I showed the tape to my mother- rolling in laughter... attempting to grasp sexuality. My mother exploded with fury. She sat me and my brother down, and told us how sick and awful of people we were for doing such a thing. She waved the tape in front of us, and threatened to show the therapist what awful children she had. I was taught to feel shame for my gender and preference.
I wore my camouflage well... I wore it everywhere. The other boys called me "faggot" a lot. It hurt to be called faggot, but not as much as it hurt to be denied my mothers acceptance. I hid my sexual preference for women, and buried myself deeper.
I remember the first time I was caught looking at porn. Back in those days there were no free video sites. Instead- you had to browse images REALLY slowly over a 48.8k modem... each image was highly compressed, and pages took forever to load.... I remember eagerly awaiting to see the next beautiful woman body. I couldn't believe that I'd found a way to get this stuff in my house for FREE! (12yr old early adopter... you're welcome world) My mom found the image cache on the computer, and I was in DEEP SHIT. Not only was this days and weeks of being shamed, and told how wrong and bad we were for this; but my brother and I were also forced to write 10 page research papers on the adult sex industry, and how it abuses women... curiosity meant looking- looking meant objectifying- and Mommy dearest refuses to see it any other way. That is the ONLY reality she is willing to accept... Stubborn. Hateful. Vicious. Violent.
I desperately don't want to become her. I cannot stay alive swimming in this sea of insecurity and loneliness she has been treading water in so many years... It's a choice to stay in that trauma. It's a choice to not force yourself to learn and grow- better yourself for your own sake.
I feel weak today.
I couldn't sit through a silly movie without panic attacks... I WORK WITH MOVIES! I STUDIED MOVIES! Yet today- I have to surrender to this weakness. I have to let myself feel what I can, and learn what I can today. Strong comes with each tomorrow, and each better decision.
I feel like a different man. Like the first 17 years of my life I was controlled and told who to be and what to do by my mother. I spent the next 13 trying to get her to love me, or kill myself in the process. Now that I have begun owning to these things- I'm free to be who I choose, and while that's empowering- it's also quite unnerving at times.
My mother decided that she was tremendously threatened by men. She decided that all heterosexual sex was a man attacking a woman. Her life became about defending that attack, and fighting her own heterosexuality- to the point where she is just beating up herself and everyone around her.
I grew up in this late 90's unbridled man-hate of my mothers. I grew up being taught to hate and shun my masculinity and heterosexuality.
I remember being very young, and being praised by my mother for acting like a girl. I remember consciously knowing that acting like a girl was better in our house. I put on a cover, wearing my hair long, acting, camouflaging myself in femininity to spare myself from my mother's wrath.
Later, I got my first video camera. I enjoyed getting my mother's full attention and praise for whatever video creation I had come up with- and so I set about making movies for fun... a lot of the time. While there were many successes, I recall one particular disaster quite vividly:
I took a Barbi and a Ken doll, and made a video of them having sex. I showed the tape to my mother- rolling in laughter... attempting to grasp sexuality. My mother exploded with fury. She sat me and my brother down, and told us how sick and awful of people we were for doing such a thing. She waved the tape in front of us, and threatened to show the therapist what awful children she had. I was taught to feel shame for my gender and preference.
I wore my camouflage well... I wore it everywhere. The other boys called me "faggot" a lot. It hurt to be called faggot, but not as much as it hurt to be denied my mothers acceptance. I hid my sexual preference for women, and buried myself deeper.
I remember the first time I was caught looking at porn. Back in those days there were no free video sites. Instead- you had to browse images REALLY slowly over a 48.8k modem... each image was highly compressed, and pages took forever to load.... I remember eagerly awaiting to see the next beautiful woman body. I couldn't believe that I'd found a way to get this stuff in my house for FREE! (12yr old early adopter... you're welcome world) My mom found the image cache on the computer, and I was in DEEP SHIT. Not only was this days and weeks of being shamed, and told how wrong and bad we were for this; but my brother and I were also forced to write 10 page research papers on the adult sex industry, and how it abuses women... curiosity meant looking- looking meant objectifying- and Mommy dearest refuses to see it any other way. That is the ONLY reality she is willing to accept... Stubborn. Hateful. Vicious. Violent.
I desperately don't want to become her. I cannot stay alive swimming in this sea of insecurity and loneliness she has been treading water in so many years... It's a choice to stay in that trauma. It's a choice to not force yourself to learn and grow- better yourself for your own sake.
I feel weak today.
I couldn't sit through a silly movie without panic attacks... I WORK WITH MOVIES! I STUDIED MOVIES! Yet today- I have to surrender to this weakness. I have to let myself feel what I can, and learn what I can today. Strong comes with each tomorrow, and each better decision.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Trauma
We all have trauma. It's what we do with it that matters.
My mother has been reliving her trauma, and feeding her fears for YEARS. She has created the disorder that is her traumatic stress. She chooses the ER. She chooses to shut people out, instead of face her worst self- to become her best self. I will not stay in her trauma. I choose not to live that life or be that person.
I like stories. Let's try a little war story, and see how much truth there is in it:
Clyde Gray was a submarine mechanic in WW2. He was depth charged. Clyde comes home to have Janet with Glatha. Glatha does not know how to relate, and Clyde only pays attention to punish. Janet feels traumatized, and begins reacting to her trauma... running away, and attacking the world.
Borrowing from Tony Robbins- Janet makes a few decisions- "men are attacking women" and "I will not let myself be attacked." because of this- she constantly perceives attacks from men that are not there. She will not speak to my masculinity, and she will not address her traumatized behavior. Instead- she just relives the trauma every day.
My trauma was not the war. I wanted to die long before I joined the Marines. My trauma is my mother. I had a panic attack before we left for Afghanistan... My mother choose the restaurant off an LGBT website, and when she told me- I felt so out of control I panicked. "who the fuck is gay here, and why can't you let me be a man?!?!"
I stood on top of an IED, and I felt gratified. It was a win. I had participated. Who cared if I died- I was alive. This wasn't upsetting. This felt like a glorious victory over my enemy.
The taliban isn't my enemy. I understand how a true warrior must love their enemy as themselves. My enemy is my mother. My enemy is the insecurity that I feel when I know that she can't hear me, and she can't see me, and she can't accept me for who I am: a strong heterosexual white male. It's too threatening to her, and so she's decided to go relive her trauma...
She's decided that this post war white male is currently attacking her. She's decided that my cries for her love, and to STOP GETTING MISTREATED are anything but cries of a son's pain for his mother's love.
I hate her for not being able to get over her shit. I hate her even more for not even making the effort. But, I can't stay upset like this, and I see that I'm working myself up-- I'm obliging her story of "crazy man attacking her". I just want to be heard, and I just want to be loved for who I am. It's not fair that my mother can't participate. That's why I'm mad, that's why I'm flipping out, that's why people shutting me out and sending me away because "you need help from the war" is SO FUCKING UPSETTING TO ME.
I don't need help with the war... I need help getting my crazy mom to STOP FIGHTING THE WORLD, and stop fighting me, and PLEASE before we leave this world- see me- hear me- acknowledge that I exist, and I have an opinion, and it does not require you to take the time and effort to HEAR ME and SEE ME.
My mother has been reliving her trauma, and feeding her fears for YEARS. She has created the disorder that is her traumatic stress. She chooses the ER. She chooses to shut people out, instead of face her worst self- to become her best self. I will not stay in her trauma. I choose not to live that life or be that person.
I like stories. Let's try a little war story, and see how much truth there is in it:
Clyde Gray was a submarine mechanic in WW2. He was depth charged. Clyde comes home to have Janet with Glatha. Glatha does not know how to relate, and Clyde only pays attention to punish. Janet feels traumatized, and begins reacting to her trauma... running away, and attacking the world.
Borrowing from Tony Robbins- Janet makes a few decisions- "men are attacking women" and "I will not let myself be attacked." because of this- she constantly perceives attacks from men that are not there. She will not speak to my masculinity, and she will not address her traumatized behavior. Instead- she just relives the trauma every day.
My trauma was not the war. I wanted to die long before I joined the Marines. My trauma is my mother. I had a panic attack before we left for Afghanistan... My mother choose the restaurant off an LGBT website, and when she told me- I felt so out of control I panicked. "who the fuck is gay here, and why can't you let me be a man?!?!"
I stood on top of an IED, and I felt gratified. It was a win. I had participated. Who cared if I died- I was alive. This wasn't upsetting. This felt like a glorious victory over my enemy.
The taliban isn't my enemy. I understand how a true warrior must love their enemy as themselves. My enemy is my mother. My enemy is the insecurity that I feel when I know that she can't hear me, and she can't see me, and she can't accept me for who I am: a strong heterosexual white male. It's too threatening to her, and so she's decided to go relive her trauma...
She's decided that this post war white male is currently attacking her. She's decided that my cries for her love, and to STOP GETTING MISTREATED are anything but cries of a son's pain for his mother's love.
I hate her for not being able to get over her shit. I hate her even more for not even making the effort. But, I can't stay upset like this, and I see that I'm working myself up-- I'm obliging her story of "crazy man attacking her". I just want to be heard, and I just want to be loved for who I am. It's not fair that my mother can't participate. That's why I'm mad, that's why I'm flipping out, that's why people shutting me out and sending me away because "you need help from the war" is SO FUCKING UPSETTING TO ME.
I don't need help with the war... I need help getting my crazy mom to STOP FIGHTING THE WORLD, and stop fighting me, and PLEASE before we leave this world- see me- hear me- acknowledge that I exist, and I have an opinion, and it does not require you to take the time and effort to HEAR ME and SEE ME.
Friday, July 4, 2014
ok... so the war fucked me up a little...
I can see that I am using communication as a weapon to get what I want. I can see that my fears of losing my mother, are likely linked to the death I saw in the service. I see where I chose to engage with other veterans, who were likely to tell me the things I knew would upset me... I spun myself up.
I went to the people that would tell me "you are sick" "you are ill" "you are broken" because in some kind of backwards way- it's what I needed to hear. The death I saw is upsetting me in ways I was not connecting- and so I was upsetting myself to get my own attention.
I work very hard on my happiness and health. I needed to get stoned to connect these dots... I needed to do some ranting and raving on the internet to work through things... because I needed to hear real people that I knew tell me things I needed to hear.
I need help, but I mostly need help hearing how I can be happy and healthy. I need help feeling safe and making good choices. Even if I'm a little crazy- getting stoned helps me see my crazy... please stop being scared of that. I need it to get here. It's helpful for my introspection.
I accept that given my high IQ I may be somewhere on the mental ill scale: http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/06/secrets-of-the-creative-brain/372299/
If I'm crazy, or ill- ok- I accept that... what now?
Pharmesudicals, and mute my brain (which I happen to be quite in love with) so that the normies don't have to hear me? fuck that...
medication, marijuana slows me down enough to clear though the spun up- hyperactive crazy parts of my brain. I believe that I will be a user for life in order to manage my swings in a homeopathic way. (I don't think smoking is a long term solution)
illegal drugs... no thanks. I found a sizeable bag of cocaine on the street, and I know myself well enough to know that's about a terrible fucking idea. I chose instead to give it to a drug dealer and buy myself a little street cred. I felt strong, and healthy to make the right choice for my body and my mind.
Therapy- going to a therapist. need some support here, and I have my father.
community- I need help surrounding myself with people who help me stay healthy and making good choices. I need to find healthy ways to "get my crazy out" that aren't so aggressively frightening... and I need help feeling safe in taking those steps.
I must accept that my mother has chosen pharmesudicals, and has her own issues - as well as solutions. I see how my reactions look like insanity to others. I am upset, and I don't feel heard or safe, or understood. I don't want to be muted. I don't want to go quietly through my life not being the best me I can be... if that means managing some very serious health and mental health issues- I'm ready to take that on too.
I'm not scared of who I am, and I find it greatly upsetting when others recoil in fear from me. I just want to be me and live the best fullest strongest life I can
I went to the people that would tell me "you are sick" "you are ill" "you are broken" because in some kind of backwards way- it's what I needed to hear. The death I saw is upsetting me in ways I was not connecting- and so I was upsetting myself to get my own attention.
I work very hard on my happiness and health. I needed to get stoned to connect these dots... I needed to do some ranting and raving on the internet to work through things... because I needed to hear real people that I knew tell me things I needed to hear.
I need help, but I mostly need help hearing how I can be happy and healthy. I need help feeling safe and making good choices. Even if I'm a little crazy- getting stoned helps me see my crazy... please stop being scared of that. I need it to get here. It's helpful for my introspection.
I accept that given my high IQ I may be somewhere on the mental ill scale: http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/06/secrets-of-the-creative-brain/372299/
If I'm crazy, or ill- ok- I accept that... what now?
Pharmesudicals, and mute my brain (which I happen to be quite in love with) so that the normies don't have to hear me? fuck that...
medication, marijuana slows me down enough to clear though the spun up- hyperactive crazy parts of my brain. I believe that I will be a user for life in order to manage my swings in a homeopathic way. (I don't think smoking is a long term solution)
illegal drugs... no thanks. I found a sizeable bag of cocaine on the street, and I know myself well enough to know that's about a terrible fucking idea. I chose instead to give it to a drug dealer and buy myself a little street cred. I felt strong, and healthy to make the right choice for my body and my mind.
Therapy- going to a therapist. need some support here, and I have my father.
community- I need help surrounding myself with people who help me stay healthy and making good choices. I need to find healthy ways to "get my crazy out" that aren't so aggressively frightening... and I need help feeling safe in taking those steps.
I must accept that my mother has chosen pharmesudicals, and has her own issues - as well as solutions. I see how my reactions look like insanity to others. I am upset, and I don't feel heard or safe, or understood. I don't want to be muted. I don't want to go quietly through my life not being the best me I can be... if that means managing some very serious health and mental health issues- I'm ready to take that on too.
I'm not scared of who I am, and I find it greatly upsetting when others recoil in fear from me. I just want to be me and live the best fullest strongest life I can
My Mother is a Crazy Cunt
My name is Tyler Owen Morris. You know me as Owen. That choice was made by my mother- when she lost the coin toss to my father. My mother makes a lot of choices for other people.
When I was 3 she decided I was gay. She desperately wanted a daughter, to shower with the love she never got from her mother.... and I think this was her crazy solution. Cute little blonde boy in San Francisco, diagnosed gay. She decided I should grow my hair long. She decided I should do ballet. She decided all things masculine were to be discouraged. I am not gay. I am a heterosexual man, and that's my decision.
She has been an ER nurse for the majority of my life. All of life's problems can be diagnosed, and treated. If it's not sick or ill or broken- then it's not worth her attention - everything is triage. I spent much of my childhood feigning symptoms for attention. She decided I was depressed. She decided I was suicidal. She decided I was out of control. I learned to reach out for love in unhealthy ways, but I am not sick. I am not ill- I am happy and healthy, and that is my decision.
Neglect can hurt as deep as any beating. She decided to work 12 hour shifts. She decided to bury herself in so much work that she doesn't ever have to stop the triage. She decided I was not worth her time. She decided that I was worth her time unless I was hurt- so I learned to hurt. I learned to crash around. I learned to be desperate, and panicked. I learned I was not worthy of her love without being in pain. I am worthy of love and attention all the time. I can decide that today.
She's not a cunt for what she's done. I can forgive everything that's happened. I love her deeply, and want so desperately for a loving relationship with her. She's a cunt because she decided that's too hard for her. She's a cunt because she's not trying to be better today. She's a cunt because she refuses to speak to me. She's a cunt because she chooses to fight and fight and fight, and I'm so ready to surrender to love.
The internet- and all the little avatars that might love me back- all the chat windows, and virtual spaces where someone might love me back... I have reached out unhealthily because someone decided I was unhealthy, and I inhabited her reality. I choose to be healthy and happy today, and I choose to do the work needed to maintain that.
I surrender to god, to the world, and to my life. My name is Falling Water Flicker. My name is Tyler Owen Morris. I am in control of my reality.
When I was 3 she decided I was gay. She desperately wanted a daughter, to shower with the love she never got from her mother.... and I think this was her crazy solution. Cute little blonde boy in San Francisco, diagnosed gay. She decided I should grow my hair long. She decided I should do ballet. She decided all things masculine were to be discouraged. I am not gay. I am a heterosexual man, and that's my decision.
She has been an ER nurse for the majority of my life. All of life's problems can be diagnosed, and treated. If it's not sick or ill or broken- then it's not worth her attention - everything is triage. I spent much of my childhood feigning symptoms for attention. She decided I was depressed. She decided I was suicidal. She decided I was out of control. I learned to reach out for love in unhealthy ways, but I am not sick. I am not ill- I am happy and healthy, and that is my decision.
Neglect can hurt as deep as any beating. She decided to work 12 hour shifts. She decided to bury herself in so much work that she doesn't ever have to stop the triage. She decided I was not worth her time. She decided that I was worth her time unless I was hurt- so I learned to hurt. I learned to crash around. I learned to be desperate, and panicked. I learned I was not worthy of her love without being in pain. I am worthy of love and attention all the time. I can decide that today.
She's not a cunt for what she's done. I can forgive everything that's happened. I love her deeply, and want so desperately for a loving relationship with her. She's a cunt because she decided that's too hard for her. She's a cunt because she's not trying to be better today. She's a cunt because she refuses to speak to me. She's a cunt because she chooses to fight and fight and fight, and I'm so ready to surrender to love.
The internet- and all the little avatars that might love me back- all the chat windows, and virtual spaces where someone might love me back... I have reached out unhealthily because someone decided I was unhealthy, and I inhabited her reality. I choose to be healthy and happy today, and I choose to do the work needed to maintain that.
I surrender to god, to the world, and to my life. My name is Falling Water Flicker. My name is Tyler Owen Morris. I am in control of my reality.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
God is Real
If you can't explain something simply - then you don't understand it well. This is my spirituality, my life, my reality:
God is real. We, the self, experience god through our bodies- through the world we call real. Our only choice is in the reality that we make of the experience we are given. "give yourself to god" means the same as "flow with Tao" is the same as "follow jesus" is the same as "allah is the one true god, and Mohammed is his prophet" giving yourself to god is giving yourself the power to create- through god- our world. The words and the story change across cultures, but the understandings and the conclusions are the same. Even as science explores the building blocks of this world - observing the state of a particle changes the observed state. The observer participates in the particles location through observation... unless I'm understanding the math wrong.
It is with this understanding that I set out to create an alternate reality game - a virtual world on top of our own that lets players examine the reality they put into the world. An opportunity to play at life without all of the fear that bogs us down. We live in a country where the #1 cause of death is people eating themselves to death (obesity, heart disease, etc), yet we are easily frightened at the thought that another person could harm us. We give them convenient names that scare people like "taliban" "terrorist" or simpler still - label them as "insane"... because obviously their reality does not line up with the rest of ours.
The fact is that that scary person was created. That violence was created. Not by them, not by some organization, or nation, or institution- that person was created by us. Collectively we have created this nightmare world, and collectively we can change it. Our fears ostracize eachother, and alone in our minds - without god - we are free to assert the terror we feel when we are alone, as our reality... We are never alone. God is always there. Give yourself to him and you will be forever free. give yourself to god and he will give you the power to create your world...
...
...
... and I used to trash talk this religious talk as 'insane' just needed to be removed from the world I was taking to be real for a bit, to better understand my relationship with god. I'm back!
Video game is on it's way still! (design plans in the BG up there)
God is real. We, the self, experience god through our bodies- through the world we call real. Our only choice is in the reality that we make of the experience we are given. "give yourself to god" means the same as "flow with Tao" is the same as "follow jesus" is the same as "allah is the one true god, and Mohammed is his prophet" giving yourself to god is giving yourself the power to create- through god- our world. The words and the story change across cultures, but the understandings and the conclusions are the same. Even as science explores the building blocks of this world - observing the state of a particle changes the observed state. The observer participates in the particles location through observation... unless I'm understanding the math wrong.
It is with this understanding that I set out to create an alternate reality game - a virtual world on top of our own that lets players examine the reality they put into the world. An opportunity to play at life without all of the fear that bogs us down. We live in a country where the #1 cause of death is people eating themselves to death (obesity, heart disease, etc), yet we are easily frightened at the thought that another person could harm us. We give them convenient names that scare people like "taliban" "terrorist" or simpler still - label them as "insane"... because obviously their reality does not line up with the rest of ours.
The fact is that that scary person was created. That violence was created. Not by them, not by some organization, or nation, or institution- that person was created by us. Collectively we have created this nightmare world, and collectively we can change it. Our fears ostracize eachother, and alone in our minds - without god - we are free to assert the terror we feel when we are alone, as our reality... We are never alone. God is always there. Give yourself to him and you will be forever free. give yourself to god and he will give you the power to create your world...
...
...
... and I used to trash talk this religious talk as 'insane' just needed to be removed from the world I was taking to be real for a bit, to better understand my relationship with god. I'm back!
Video game is on it's way still! (design plans in the BG up there)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Thank You Jane McGonigal!
Jane Mcgonigal is famous for advocating games as a means to improve and even save our lives. In her most recent TED talk (also above), Jane got quite personal about how her game, Superbetter, gave her hope when she wanted to die, incapacitated by a concussion. It took a traumatic event, and the ensuing struggle for Jane to realize how powerful a simple game could be. I too required a traumatic event to gain this knowledge, but my post traumatic growth came after my return from Afghanistan.
I was recently awarded a Presidential Unit Citation for my 2009-'10 tour to the Helmand Province in Southern Afghanistan. Our award comes now, two years later, reflecting the intensity of war during those months. American forces surged across Afghanistan, creating the bloodiest months of the war during the time my unit was in country. In the middle of all this, I began designing the first game I had ever designed. As I stood guard at night, I made notes and drew pictures of what would later become ARG Zombies. However, it wasn't until later that I realized the impact and intensity of these events.
While in Afghanistan, I stood on top of IED's that didn't go off. I was shot at, and I saw young men die without even knowing what hit them. I saw burning vehicles that contained the bodies of men I'd known, and I saw the dead Afghans we'd killed in combat. I didn't PLAY a game to get over this (like Jane did)- Instead I ended up MAKING A GAME... ARG Zombies became my Superbetter.
The more I worked on ARG Zombies, the more I saw the potential for influencing positive behavior in players. Alternate reality games afford the unique opportunity of confronting our ideas about the world, and I knew that zombies represent the fear of strangers, friends, and family alike. Zombies are popular now precisely because we are surrounded by so many more people than any generation before us, and we fear these people turning on us. I grew to understand how this same root fear grows in a society- and spills over in the form of war... and, by confronting this idea within a gaming environment, I believe that games have the power to end war... all wars... forever.
My friends and family feared that I was experiencing post traumatic stress, and developing PTSD. However, I believe that I experienced Post Traumatic Growth- instead of Post Traumatic Stress. The symptoms are right out of the TED talk.
-I was not affraid to do waht made me happy- I wanted to make a game, and I wan't afraid of any of the challenges or the fact that I'd never made a game before.
-I understood myself better, and I know who I am- I have a wide range of experience and skill, but I am a game designer who makes games that I hope will improve the lives of my players.
-I have a new sense of meaning and purpose- What I learned about the human condition can be influenced through the experience of gaming. I believe it is my purpose to translate that into a playable experience, that effects positive changes in players.
-I am better able to focus on my goals and dreams- Now that I know what I'm here to do... it's pretty tough to get in the way of a Marine on a mission. I can see the path to make my dreams happen, and I am undaunted by the immensity of the task. After all... I've got the rest of my life- plus an extra 10 years if I play the game well!
(PS- Thank you Jane!)
Monday, January 30, 2012
ARG Zombies update.
Work has been continuing on my mobile Alternate Reality Zombie Game "ARG Zombies" We have launched a closed beta on Testflight, and we have nearly completed the story for the game. Independent game production is, of course, much harder than I initially imagined... but, I have been shlogging along just the same.
My brother Trevor has been a lead game tester for the game Blacklight Retribution a free to play first person shooter from Perfect World and Zombie Studios. Today he quit his job to come work on ARG Zombies!!
This means that Tando Productions (our company) now has David O'hagan doing social media and user engagement, Trevor will be doing our sound effects and QA, and I am the director designer (and of course business guy)... So yeah- that sounds like a team to me!
Look out world... TANDO is coming!
My brother Trevor has been a lead game tester for the game Blacklight Retribution a free to play first person shooter from Perfect World and Zombie Studios. Today he quit his job to come work on ARG Zombies!!
This means that Tando Productions (our company) now has David O'hagan doing social media and user engagement, Trevor will be doing our sound effects and QA, and I am the director designer (and of course business guy)... So yeah- that sounds like a team to me!
Look out world... TANDO is coming!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Occupy Movement Protests
This weekend I went to check out the Occupy march in my home city, San Francisco. I ended up creating my first video blog... more to come perhaps?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Gamers are going to change the world
If you haven't already seen this link you should check it out. Gamers solved a protein puzzle, expected to help in AIDS research, in 3 weeks after scientists struggled with it for 10 years.
http://www.smh.com.au/digital-life/games/online-gamers-crack-aids-enzyme-puzzle-20110919-1kgq2.html
This is concrete proof of the potential power of gaming. Folding proteins in a simple game is just scratching the surface of what gamers are capable of. I was going to write a lot more about this, but I think it speaks for itself.
http://www.smh.com.au/digital-life/games/online-gamers-crack-aids-enzyme-puzzle-20110919-1kgq2.html
This is concrete proof of the potential power of gaming. Folding proteins in a simple game is just scratching the surface of what gamers are capable of. I was going to write a lot more about this, but I think it speaks for itself.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Is Man Evolving a Collective Consciousness?
Life is constantly evolving. Since protein began replicating in strings, life has been adapting and moving, but towards what end? Much like a chromosome trying to understand a creature, we may not be capable of grasping the next evolution of man, but we all know it is coming.
the past two hundred years have recorded the largest changes to human society ever witnessed. Technological advances have changed the way that most humans interact with the planet. These interactions are so different that we believe ourselves and our actions to be "un-natural". While a technologically advanced object is not, by itself, natural, the drive to create and share such things is a natural drive seen in humans for ages. Like the first leg on a fish, we have sprouted a fledgling collective consciousness- the Internet.
We have all known that the Internet is an amazing technological achievement since it's early days. However, much like the first leg on a fish, the Internet has flopped around a bit. We all knew it's potential to unite people just like we know that that fish will eventually walk with ease. Technology, being unburdened with the constraints of biology, has quickly strengthened and adapted. Nowhere is this new strength more apparent than the middle east, where twitter has toppled governments. The illusion that any man has power over another instantly dissolved in Tahir square.
Mans creation of technology is natures adaptation to the constraints of our biology. Operating as a society on such a massive scale requires adaptations like the smartphone (the world in your pocket) in order to function. These things draw us together like the nervous system unites the bodies organs, toward the single purpose of life. Like a fledgling organism the collective mind has gone through some growing pains, but trudges forward up the beach. The future is never certain, but somewhere inside, the fish knows he will walk, and perhaps one day- even fly.
See Also: Transcendant Man
the past two hundred years have recorded the largest changes to human society ever witnessed. Technological advances have changed the way that most humans interact with the planet. These interactions are so different that we believe ourselves and our actions to be "un-natural". While a technologically advanced object is not, by itself, natural, the drive to create and share such things is a natural drive seen in humans for ages. Like the first leg on a fish, we have sprouted a fledgling collective consciousness- the Internet.
We have all known that the Internet is an amazing technological achievement since it's early days. However, much like the first leg on a fish, the Internet has flopped around a bit. We all knew it's potential to unite people just like we know that that fish will eventually walk with ease. Technology, being unburdened with the constraints of biology, has quickly strengthened and adapted. Nowhere is this new strength more apparent than the middle east, where twitter has toppled governments. The illusion that any man has power over another instantly dissolved in Tahir square.
Mans creation of technology is natures adaptation to the constraints of our biology. Operating as a society on such a massive scale requires adaptations like the smartphone (the world in your pocket) in order to function. These things draw us together like the nervous system unites the bodies organs, toward the single purpose of life. Like a fledgling organism the collective mind has gone through some growing pains, but trudges forward up the beach. The future is never certain, but somewhere inside, the fish knows he will walk, and perhaps one day- even fly.
See Also: Transcendant Man
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Death of the Arcade
This week I found myself going to an arcade with a four year old. As soon as I walked through the door I had flashbacks to the 80’s, when arcades ruled. Children dumpped their coins into the latest video games, and roamed the arcades claiming high scores. Young social lives formed around these places. THIS used to be the place to be, but what I saw an empty arcade full of flashing lights. Regardless of the other factors contributing to the desolate scene- the impressoin had already been made. Arcade games have been replaced- the industry has moved on.
I walked around to see what games the few people (mostly hidden in the corners) were playing. Shooting games, driving games, allmost all multiplayer inherently, like racing. I started to think more about the endangered arcade game, and the future of gaming. I began to trace the steps from this place to where we are today. I thought of the children that bought an Atari/Nintendo/Sega Genesis/Neo Geo/Jaguart 64… Then everyone realized that not having to put coins in meant you needed more games. So the industry made games as fast as they could- regardless of quality. Multiplayer emerged as an important aspect, but adding controlers was nothing in the face of the mother of all platforms- the internet. Even consoles have been forced to incorporate online gameplay. Gamers are no longer satisfied being the best on the block. They want to compare their scores the the best the PLANET has to offer.
What started with kids looking over their shoulder to keep the high score in Donkey Kong, has grown and grown and broken barriers that nobody knew were barriers. Found ways to draw people together, and draw people in with all sorts of new gameplay. The better this interaction between people- the more successful modern titles are.
So what conclusions did I draw from all of this? The mobile gaming industry is flooded with over 40,000 titles… it might pay the bills to make poor quality games, but the winners in the mobile industry will innovate and find new ways to bring people together. A well made, well thought out game, that brings people together in fun new ways- a recipie for mobile gaming success!
(now I just have to make http://www.zombieapocalypsemobile.com to have all those things)
I walked around to see what games the few people (mostly hidden in the corners) were playing. Shooting games, driving games, allmost all multiplayer inherently, like racing. I started to think more about the endangered arcade game, and the future of gaming. I began to trace the steps from this place to where we are today. I thought of the children that bought an Atari/Nintendo/Sega Genesis/Neo Geo/Jaguart 64… Then everyone realized that not having to put coins in meant you needed more games. So the industry made games as fast as they could- regardless of quality. Multiplayer emerged as an important aspect, but adding controlers was nothing in the face of the mother of all platforms- the internet. Even consoles have been forced to incorporate online gameplay. Gamers are no longer satisfied being the best on the block. They want to compare their scores the the best the PLANET has to offer.
What started with kids looking over their shoulder to keep the high score in Donkey Kong, has grown and grown and broken barriers that nobody knew were barriers. Found ways to draw people together, and draw people in with all sorts of new gameplay. The better this interaction between people- the more successful modern titles are.
So what conclusions did I draw from all of this? The mobile gaming industry is flooded with over 40,000 titles… it might pay the bills to make poor quality games, but the winners in the mobile industry will innovate and find new ways to bring people together. A well made, well thought out game, that brings people together in fun new ways- a recipie for mobile gaming success!
(now I just have to make http://www.zombieapocalypsemobile.com to have all those things)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Afghanistan War Vet on Osama Bin Laden's Death.
My first reaction upon seeing that Osama Bin Laden was dead? “CRAP! This war was so close to being about peace, and now it’s about killing again.”
There is something inherently wrong about celebrating another human beings death. I absolutely understand the benefits of this particular person NOT being part of the currently alive, however the cheapening of human life in any form leads the human heart to bad places. When we cheer in the streets at his death we are telling young Soldiers and Marines that we want them to take lives, and their killing will be celebrated. When in order to end any conflict in the middle east we must start the seeds of peace where our feet are most firmly planted: Afghanistan.
Moving forward it is of utmost imortance that the focus on all sides is on non-violence, improving living conditions, and building the middle east into an educated, civilized, safe place for any human being to live. It is my greatest fear that this death will cloud the beauty of peace and remind the worlds citizens of the great violence that we are capable of- when it is of the utmost importance that we remember that humans are meant by nature to be united.
There is something inherently wrong about celebrating another human beings death. I absolutely understand the benefits of this particular person NOT being part of the currently alive, however the cheapening of human life in any form leads the human heart to bad places. When we cheer in the streets at his death we are telling young Soldiers and Marines that we want them to take lives, and their killing will be celebrated. When in order to end any conflict in the middle east we must start the seeds of peace where our feet are most firmly planted: Afghanistan.
Moving forward it is of utmost imortance that the focus on all sides is on non-violence, improving living conditions, and building the middle east into an educated, civilized, safe place for any human being to live. It is my greatest fear that this death will cloud the beauty of peace and remind the worlds citizens of the great violence that we are capable of- when it is of the utmost importance that we remember that humans are meant by nature to be united.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Turning the world "Inside Out" with your iPhone.
Today I took a self portrait with my iPhone, I uploaded this to www.insideoutproject.net, this picture will now be blown up to poster size, sent to me, and I will paste it on a wall in my neighborhood. I'd like to think of it as my first escapade into street art:
So what the heck is going on? I just finished watching this wonderful TED Talk by JR, in which he talks about the past several years he's spent going around the world putting up photographs of the local populations. His destinations included Israel, Sudan, Rio De Janeiro, Sierra-Leone, and the list goes on. Everywhere he went, he would take pictures of the locals and paste their giant bust on walls, or their eyes on the side of buildings, tops of trains- you name it. The idea was to remind people that the city was theirs. I love this concept of taking ownership of the world around you. Not just for the strength in numbers, but for the concept that pride is what you make it. In Africa they printed images on vinyl, and used them to cover the roves of large huts. People felt so much ownership of their new roof that they even kept their sections when they moved away.
HOW TO:
You can upload your own self portrait and receive it back in full poster size to be put up around your town! http://www.insideoutproject.net Now if you don't want a giant picture of yourself on your nearest street corner: you're crazy... This is good old fashioned fun you can accomplish with an iPhone in 10 minutes.
All you need is a simple light source, close and diffused (anything opaque works to diffuse). Here I chose behind my door to get a nice blank background- wanna keep it pro now! Set that light close and and above your face, and don't really worry if it's yellow or orange just as long as it's strong- your final product is B&W remember. Standing about 1-2 feet away from your light and about 2 feet off the wall, hold your iPhone just below the light (as you're looking at it). Be careful to get everything in with your framing and start snapping. This is the part where you look stupid a lot:
Next comes the difficult task of choosing which photo to stick with... I went with "Big head has a secret"... but believe me "give'em the tongue" was a close 2nd... Finally, turn your chosen product black and white (super easy in almost any photo application). If you want to add a touch to the final product feel free to play with your contrast and brightness. I always like upping the contrast and dropping the brightness a little with most B&W. Once you're happy- upload, and enjoy!
So what the heck is going on? I just finished watching this wonderful TED Talk by JR, in which he talks about the past several years he's spent going around the world putting up photographs of the local populations. His destinations included Israel, Sudan, Rio De Janeiro, Sierra-Leone, and the list goes on. Everywhere he went, he would take pictures of the locals and paste their giant bust on walls, or their eyes on the side of buildings, tops of trains- you name it. The idea was to remind people that the city was theirs. I love this concept of taking ownership of the world around you. Not just for the strength in numbers, but for the concept that pride is what you make it. In Africa they printed images on vinyl, and used them to cover the roves of large huts. People felt so much ownership of their new roof that they even kept their sections when they moved away.
HOW TO:
You can upload your own self portrait and receive it back in full poster size to be put up around your town! http://www.insideoutproject.net Now if you don't want a giant picture of yourself on your nearest street corner: you're crazy... This is good old fashioned fun you can accomplish with an iPhone in 10 minutes.
All you need is a simple light source, close and diffused (anything opaque works to diffuse). Here I chose behind my door to get a nice blank background- wanna keep it pro now! Set that light close and and above your face, and don't really worry if it's yellow or orange just as long as it's strong- your final product is B&W remember. Standing about 1-2 feet away from your light and about 2 feet off the wall, hold your iPhone just below the light (as you're looking at it). Be careful to get everything in with your framing and start snapping. This is the part where you look stupid a lot:
Next comes the difficult task of choosing which photo to stick with... I went with "Big head has a secret"... but believe me "give'em the tongue" was a close 2nd... Finally, turn your chosen product black and white (super easy in almost any photo application). If you want to add a touch to the final product feel free to play with your contrast and brightness. I always like upping the contrast and dropping the brightness a little with most B&W. Once you're happy- upload, and enjoy!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Feeling Gameful!
I have been spending a fair amount of my time on gameful.org recently. If you are not familiar with Jane Mcgonigal or her work you can catch up really quickly by watching her TED talk. The basic Idea of her book, Reality is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change The World, is that video gamer energy can be directed into things that are good in the real world.
The fast breakdown goes like this: Wikipedia took 7 years and 100 million man hours to create. It was done for FREE by users interested in contributing to the project. The contribution system was set up like a GAME where contributions allow players to level up, and contribute to more important pages based on level. Other players checked and rated their contributions- like a GAME- to determine the wikipedia data that the players agreed was accurate.... ok so.... World of Warcraft has enough man hours poured into it globally that Blizzard could make 1 wikipedia every 6 days.
In short: all the quality work energy of our generation is being poured into gaming- into virtual worlds, but if we direct that energy back on the real world then we could REALLY start tackling some of this worlds major problems.
This is my hope for Zombie Apocalypse... I want to encourage gamers to interact with their neighbors instead of logging onto a virtual community. I want people to walk 20 blocks because it gets them points in my game, and they've started to lose weight- 2 strikes against driving. I want strangers to laugh with eachother in public because "I just killed your guy in a funny way". I want my players to be able to fight "tsunami monsters" to support the relief effort in Japan. In short- I want to make a game that changes the way people see the world for the better.
The fast breakdown goes like this: Wikipedia took 7 years and 100 million man hours to create. It was done for FREE by users interested in contributing to the project. The contribution system was set up like a GAME where contributions allow players to level up, and contribute to more important pages based on level. Other players checked and rated their contributions- like a GAME- to determine the wikipedia data that the players agreed was accurate.... ok so.... World of Warcraft has enough man hours poured into it globally that Blizzard could make 1 wikipedia every 6 days.
In short: all the quality work energy of our generation is being poured into gaming- into virtual worlds, but if we direct that energy back on the real world then we could REALLY start tackling some of this worlds major problems.
This is my hope for Zombie Apocalypse... I want to encourage gamers to interact with their neighbors instead of logging onto a virtual community. I want people to walk 20 blocks because it gets them points in my game, and they've started to lose weight- 2 strikes against driving. I want strangers to laugh with eachother in public because "I just killed your guy in a funny way". I want my players to be able to fight "tsunami monsters" to support the relief effort in Japan. In short- I want to make a game that changes the way people see the world for the better.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Macho Marine Poetry
I write a lot, but I don't often write poetry... Guess it's a macho Marine thing left over from the corps. That being said, poem time:
If our entire lives were a dream, ourselves floating through its scenes, then our creations are our wake in otherwise still waters. When we arrive at the end of our dream we can turn and see the ripples that stream from our fingers touch. Extending backward and chasing us down from the dreamers hands our ripples stream. But, Hollow is the man who rears to touch and careless is the man who would only seek to make waves.
For many people art is the trace we leave behind so that when we die we can be sure the world knew it was WE who existed here. No other mind, no other person, no other thoughts could have combined to create that one unique thing by our hand. This is how I feel about my film: Removed From Reality Editing and creating the film ensures that my experience will not be lost.
If our entire lives were a dream, ourselves floating through its scenes, then our creations are our wake in otherwise still waters. When we arrive at the end of our dream we can turn and see the ripples that stream from our fingers touch. Extending backward and chasing us down from the dreamers hands our ripples stream. But, Hollow is the man who rears to touch and careless is the man who would only seek to make waves.
For many people art is the trace we leave behind so that when we die we can be sure the world knew it was WE who existed here. No other mind, no other person, no other thoughts could have combined to create that one unique thing by our hand. This is how I feel about my film: Removed From Reality Editing and creating the film ensures that my experience will not be lost.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
The Absurdity in Lybian Conflict
We are all watching the scene unfold in Libya like we have watched so much political turmoil around the world. The details and the players change but this story is not a new one. Small country leaders are known for their need to "project power" so that their small country does not feel so weak in a big pond. Why do we bother being shocked to find out that a man who has been left as god of a small nation has taken certain liberties? These dictators are not told NO very often so when the subject of "hey should we kill these people that don't like you?" comes up- it's pretty easy for them to justify it to themselves as "doing what must be done to lead their poor little country."
The people tend to accept some of these liberties to some extent- especially if the living conditions haven't recently worsened. The people involved around these leaders, and sometimes the populous as well, have a tendency to forgive their leaders in the hope that it will strengthen their small nation. Violence leading to more violence eventually causes a boil over where the dictator is unwilling to give up power. He see's himself as the leader that has been making sacrifices for the people, and thus the true leader of said nation.
If you step back and look at the situation like this it's quickly apparent that EVERYONE involved wants the best for their small nation. Under equipped civilians are running into an armed military each believing that they are strengthening their world by doing so, when they are choosing the WORST option possible. It's like a distance runner amputating their leg so that they can finish the marathon with no blisters... AND WE FEED INTO IT! We consider these things like they are legitimate solutions because it's what happened LAST time this was on CNN so why would they do it any different THIS time it's on CNN. There is no rational reason to arm the 'freedom fighters.' Giving them guns only signs their death warrant, and it tells the world that we approve the killing that will be carried out in the name of the fallen for generations to come.
While I offer no direct solution (beyond Gaddafi realizing the point I'm trying to make and giving up all nice and quiet like). I will not allow myself to consider solutions that lead to more deaths. I always remember one Gandhi quote that sticks with me- "For this cause I would be willing to die, but there is no cause for which I am willing to kill."
Our own countries history may have been born of blood, but our greatest rebellions have come at the hands of peaceful men. Civil Rights. Women's Rights. Human Rights. We as Americans have created our own version of rebellion, and built peace into our government system- presidents are inevitably fired after eight years, regardless of their performance. No violence, no questioning, no standoff in the desert- they just leave peacefully. I remain happy that I live here.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Next Generation of Cinema.
It's a statistically charted fact that movies are getting worse. The old studio system is clutching for sure things only to find gems like "Skyline". They can't even get a winner with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp in "The Tourist." There are many more, and better examples, but why is this happening? Are we witnessing the death of large studio cinema as we know it?
I believe that we need only to look to reality television to see why cinema is beginning to struggle. Audiences are considerably less amused by invented stories than they are watching crab fishers slide around an icy deck for an hour, and it's because those crab fishermen are REAL. Jim Gilmore and Joe Pine detailed this phenomenon in their book "Authenticity." Most people living today have grown up in media soaked environments- Televisions and radios, later computers, and now smart phones... We have become well trained in identifying authenticity and reality over the years. Every day the falseness of our surroundings makes us long even more for "real" things.
Hollywood hasn't changed a damn thing, and that's exactly the problem. The next generation of cinema will not lose the big budget film, but rather grow in a new way. I believe that documentaries will find a more aggressive and active role in filmmaking and in society. Most documentaries tend to take an 'observer' role -fly on the wall style- and tell a story that requires the audiences reaction. However, whistle-blowing an warning aren't enough for audiences... we are smart and we want to see what is being done in response to the threat that a film identifies. We've begun to see ACTIVE roles of the documentary filmmakers in their approach to problems. The Cove is the story of what filmmakers went through to tell you WHY you should care about dolphin slaughter. Super Size Me wasn't just about the fast food industry, director Morgan Spurlock caused health damage to his own body to illustrate his point to his audience. Catfish follows filmmakers discovering who the scary person at the other end of Facebook actually is, and in a very REAL way we get to discover the lonely stranger at the other end of the internet. Born to be Wild doesn't just warn of orphaned animals from poaching, it follows the rehabilitation of the animals and the hardships their caretakers go through.
What all these films share is that they refuse to sit back and show you the problem without DOING something about it. Active documentaries like this will strike a chord with audiences everywhere. Not just warnings, but REAL action with REAL results will strike chords with audiences everywhere. To make easy easier- digital camera equipment these days will allow amazing access to every corner of the world where someone has a story worth telling- as the story happens! As time goes on production quality will grow, and production time will drop. At this point these stories will be from action to the audiences with all the polish of feature films- and maybe, just maybe, the audience will join in.
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