Strength and Victims

It is difficult to be strong in life.  Growing up it was my Mother that was the rolemodel for strength.  Autocratic and dictatorial, she referred to herself as "the queen" and "mommie dearest" often (an odd acknowledgement of her abuses).  I knew the word 'mandatory' from a very young age, it meant "you have no power/control here."  I learned how to bend without submitting.

Since growing up other friends have recounted with me the fear of not knowing when she was going to burst into the room screaming with rage; a torrent of accusations and punishments- and certainly there was no predicting why or when she would become upset.  I learned to watch and interpret human body language with a precision only matched by other abused people.

Traditional images of strong men were mocked in our household.  Football players were dumb jocks, and the artistic and feminine was encouraged to a detriment.  I was made fun of for liking and being good at football, and my decision to join the Marines was never really accepted or understood.  I learned to make my decisions for myself.

I have a good job that I love, where I make more than enough money.  When my mother found out I was hired, her reaction was not "congratulations," it was a scorn and the words "I've never made that much money."  I am still learning to validate myself, and let my own praise be enough.

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I look around and I see so many strong people indulging their weakness.  America has learned to exalt its victims above others, and so the race to feebleness is in full effect.  Acting with strength seems to be considered a threat.  Threatening people make other people feel uncomfortable, and we place most of the blame on the perceived threat- instead of expecting strength to rise from a victim.

I don't know how it is anywhere else, but here in San Francisco- he with the best sob story wins the argument.  It feels good to show compassion to an injured party.  It feels good to side with the underdog, and know that the bully doesn't get to win today.  It feels good to believe you are creating a safe place where even the weak can thrive... But is that really what's happening?

Which one holds you back more, the actions of others, or your own belief that you are a victim?  Believing that you are weak gives you the space to develop your weakness, stops you from learning to fight back.  So am I doing a disservice to my peers if I expect them to be strong, or am I giving them the friction they need to grow?

I am strong because of the strong dictatorial bully in my life pushing me around until I said, "no more."  The pain and the damage that we are all seeking to avoid for eachother are precisely the things that grew some of my strongest traits.  We need our pain.  We need our bullies.  We need to push and be pushed, in order to grow into what we are to become.  Otherwise we just grow into weak, meaningless, safe, undamaged, uninteresting one dimensional people.

I am grateful for the abuses my Mother imposed on me.  I'm grateful for having the strength to stop her from continuing.  I am grateful for the strong man I am learning to become.