My Mother is a Crazy Cunt

My name is Tyler Owen Morris. You know me as Owen. That choice was made by my mother- when she lost the coin toss to my father.  My mother makes a lot of choices for other people.

When I was 3 she decided I was gay.  She desperately wanted a daughter, to shower with the love she never got from her mother.... and I think this was her crazy solution.  Cute little blonde boy in San Francisco, diagnosed gay.  She decided I should grow my hair long. She decided I should do ballet. She decided all things masculine were to be discouraged. I am not gay. I am a heterosexual man, and that's my decision.

She has been an ER nurse for the majority of my life.  All of life's problems can be diagnosed, and treated.  If it's not sick or ill or broken- then it's not worth her attention - everything is triage.  I spent much of my childhood feigning symptoms for attention. She decided I was depressed. She decided I was suicidal. She decided I was out of control. I learned to reach out for love in unhealthy ways, but I am not sick. I am not ill- I am happy and healthy, and that is my decision.

Neglect can hurt as deep as any beating.  She decided to work 12 hour shifts. She decided to bury herself in so much work that she doesn't ever have to stop the triage. She decided I was not worth her time. She decided that I was worth her time unless I was hurt- so I learned to hurt.  I learned to crash around.  I learned to be desperate, and panicked. I learned I was not worthy of her love without being in pain. I am worthy of love and attention all the time. I can decide that today.

She's not a cunt for what she's done.  I can forgive everything that's happened. I love her deeply, and want so desperately for a loving relationship with her.  She's a cunt because she decided that's too hard for her.  She's a cunt because she's not trying to be better today. She's a cunt because she refuses to speak to me. She's a cunt because she chooses to fight and fight and fight, and I'm so ready to surrender to love.

The internet- and all the little avatars that might love me back- all the chat windows, and virtual spaces where someone might love me back... I have reached out unhealthily because someone decided I was unhealthy, and I inhabited her reality.  I choose to be healthy and happy today, and I choose to do the work needed to maintain that.

I surrender to god, to the world, and to my life.  My name is Falling Water Flicker. My name is Tyler Owen Morris. I am in control of my reality.