I can see that I am using communication as a weapon to get what I want. I can see that my fears of losing my mother, are likely linked to the death I saw in the service. I see where I chose to engage with other veterans, who were likely to tell me the things I knew would upset me... I spun myself up.
I went to the people that would tell me "you are sick" "you are ill" "you are broken" because in some kind of backwards way- it's what I needed to hear. The death I saw is upsetting me in ways I was not connecting- and so I was upsetting myself to get my own attention.
I work very hard on my happiness and health. I needed to get stoned to connect these dots... I needed to do some ranting and raving on the internet to work through things... because I needed to hear real people that I knew tell me things I needed to hear.
I need help, but I mostly need help hearing how I can be happy and healthy. I need help feeling safe and making good choices. Even if I'm a little crazy- getting stoned helps me see my crazy... please stop being scared of that. I need it to get here. It's helpful for my introspection.
I accept that given my high IQ I may be somewhere on the mental ill scale: http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/06/secrets-of-the-creative-brain/372299/
If I'm crazy, or ill- ok- I accept that... what now?
Pharmesudicals, and mute my brain (which I happen to be quite in love with) so that the normies don't have to hear me? fuck that...
medication, marijuana slows me down enough to clear though the spun up- hyperactive crazy parts of my brain. I believe that I will be a user for life in order to manage my swings in a homeopathic way. (I don't think smoking is a long term solution)
illegal drugs... no thanks. I found a sizeable bag of cocaine on the street, and I know myself well enough to know that's about a terrible fucking idea. I chose instead to give it to a drug dealer and buy myself a little street cred. I felt strong, and healthy to make the right choice for my body and my mind.
Therapy- going to a therapist. need some support here, and I have my father.
community- I need help surrounding myself with people who help me stay healthy and making good choices. I need to find healthy ways to "get my crazy out" that aren't so aggressively frightening... and I need help feeling safe in taking those steps.
I must accept that my mother has chosen pharmesudicals, and has her own issues - as well as solutions. I see how my reactions look like insanity to others. I am upset, and I don't feel heard or safe, or understood. I don't want to be muted. I don't want to go quietly through my life not being the best me I can be... if that means managing some very serious health and mental health issues- I'm ready to take that on too.
I'm not scared of who I am, and I find it greatly upsetting when others recoil in fear from me. I just want to be me and live the best fullest strongest life I can
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