Trauma

We all have trauma.  It's what we do with it that matters.

My mother has been reliving her trauma, and feeding her fears for YEARS.  She has created the disorder that is her traumatic stress.  She chooses the ER.  She chooses to shut people out, instead of face her worst self- to become her best self.  I will not stay in her trauma.  I choose not to live that life or be that person.

I like stories. Let's try a little war story, and see how much truth there is in it:
Clyde Gray was a submarine mechanic in WW2.  He was depth charged.  Clyde comes home to have Janet with Glatha.  Glatha does not know how to relate, and Clyde only pays attention to punish.  Janet feels traumatized, and begins reacting to her trauma... running away, and attacking the world.

Borrowing from Tony Robbins- Janet makes a few decisions- "men are attacking women" and "I will not let myself be attacked."  because of this- she constantly perceives attacks from men that are not there. She will not speak to my masculinity, and she will not address her traumatized behavior.  Instead- she just relives the trauma every day.

My trauma was not the war.  I wanted to die long before I joined the Marines.  My trauma is my mother.  I had a panic attack before we left for Afghanistan... My mother choose the restaurant off an LGBT website, and when she told me- I felt so out of control I panicked.  "who the fuck is gay here, and why can't you let me be a man?!?!"

I stood on top of an IED, and I felt gratified.  It was a win.  I had participated.  Who cared if I died- I was alive.  This wasn't upsetting.  This felt like a glorious victory over my enemy.

The taliban isn't my enemy.  I understand how a true warrior must love their enemy as themselves.  My enemy is my mother.  My enemy is the insecurity that I feel when I know that she can't hear me, and she can't see me, and she can't accept me for who I am: a strong heterosexual white male.  It's too threatening to her, and so she's decided to go relive her trauma...

She's decided that this post war white male is currently attacking her.  She's decided that my cries for her love, and to STOP GETTING MISTREATED are anything but cries of a son's pain for his mother's love.

I hate her for not being able to get over her shit.  I hate her even more for not even making the effort.  But, I can't stay upset like this, and I see that I'm working myself up-- I'm obliging her story of "crazy man attacking her".  I just want to be heard, and I just want to be loved for who I am.  It's not fair that my mother can't participate.  That's why I'm mad, that's why I'm flipping out, that's why people shutting me out and sending me away because "you need help from the war" is SO FUCKING UPSETTING TO ME.

I don't need help with the war... I need help getting my crazy mom to STOP FIGHTING THE WORLD, and stop fighting me, and PLEASE before we leave this world- see me- hear me- acknowledge that I exist, and I have an opinion, and it does not require you to take the time and effort to HEAR ME and SEE ME.